maybe it’s mania…

By: onyourkneesandplay

Jan 12 2010

Category: Uncategorized

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i can’t tell if i’m motivated purely by the pain or i’m experiencing a manic episode.  i’ve never been diagnosed as bipolar, but it sure as hell seems like i am.

i’m wired awake and rapidly climbing the ranks of facebook’s sorority life (a.k.a. the you have no life game).  i’m taking breaks to blog in between sessions when i have to wait for my character to regain energy to continue playing.  my legs feel a cross between numb and being crushed.  and there’s no precipitation being predicted at all, so this is totally just a flare.  almost certainly caused by the shock to my system that is getting tattooed.  ouch.

tomorrow i spend the day at my mom’s.  i feel like it will be inevitably awkward, because she knows about my adult industry work.  we haven’t been alone together since she’s found this out.  but, hopefully she’s like me: social etiquette enables the impression that if you don’t speak of it, there is no it.  i love that about social cues.

i used to cringe at the idea of anything hegemony.  now i’m debating acquiring debt in order to procure porn-star clown boobs.  but i have to say, accepting social norms and blending in has done wonders for my confidence.  it feels good to be somewhat normal.  and i enjoy much more being politicized to improve quality of life for the existing population to that of my anti-hegemony days, when my head lived in the clouds of intention to improve quality of life for future generations.

so, yeah, i’m cool with being a housewife.

but, i’m not one yet.  so i’m still waiting for *him* to do the dishes and clean the bathroom this time round.

unrelated: i need to drink more water.  let’s all try to drink more water, eh?  it’s incredibly frustrating how i’ve gotten so out of the habit of drinking water.  i used to be far more concerned with my health.  i think when i found out i had lupus a part of me just said, “fuck it.”

i decided to look at the sark book again.  the next question she asks is what can i do to nourish myself better?

i can

…drink more water

…stop eating after 10

…stop looking at myself sideways in the mirror

it’s a short list because i treat myself pretty damn well.  i spend most of my time lounging, and i work predominantly at my convenience.  i spend ample time beautifying myself.  i do practically whatever i want.  but my therapist and i discussed today that the amount of time i spend critiquing myself is proving less than useful.

the critiques are always the same: too much fat in the belly and not enough in the tits.  there’s nothing else i can complain about, really.  so i focus in on it like a sharpshooter on prey.  sort of like a drama addiction: i’m used to having problems, so now that i don’t, i make weight my big issue.  of course it’s more complex than that because i’ve had an eating disorder for 50% of my lifespan and that’s indicative of a much more deeply rooted derivation than me seeking something to occupy my time.

I am a community outreach and harm reduction enthusiast, and i spend a lot of time devoted to causes i believe in.  so it’s not like i’m a waste of space.  but especially in times like these, i’m lucky to be living pretty damn well.

to recap, it’s a good idea to think when you’re sad about what you are glad about and ways you can nourish *read: pamper* yourself.  it’s already helping me to remember that i’m supposed to pamper myself.  it’s like i finally have permission to relish in the little things that make being alive bearable.  me likey.

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