Hello world!

By: onyourkneesandplay

Jan 12 2010

Category: Uncategorized

1 Comment

this is going to be my online journal.  whether or not it’s worth reading will remain to be seen.  right now my eyes are bloodshot and twitching, my knees and hips feel like they are wrapped in torn tendons that are pulling apart like cotton balls.

once i fall asleep, i’ll sleep like a rock.  until then, it will feel like my body is being compressed by the giant machines used to crush down abandoned automobiles.  systemic lupus erythymatosis: misery is a far simpler identifier.

today wasn’t particularly fanciful, but i was in good spirits, which is remarkably unusual for me.  we did all of the usual, which includes multiple convenience store runs.  tom didn’t clean, as usual, despite having promised to.  i painted my fingernails a different shade of pink, as usual.  and tom walked me to therapy and surprised me with weed upon my return home.  it’s little things like this that bring me the most joy, i think.

i dropped from 131 to 127 in two days but went back to gorging tonight so i am scared to look at the scale when i wake up in the morning.  my waistline is all i can think about.  despite having a full work schedule for the next four months and a boyfriend who helps to support me, i feel like i am stagnant, or worse, degrading my beauty with my laziness.

pot and healthy relationships are not appropriate excuses for me to consume copious amounts of sugar.  i try to justify candy binges with the fact that i never eat anything with a high fat content, but it’s clear that drastic dietary changes are necessary if i want to retain my model body.

a comfortable job in the body-acceptance industry of figure modeling is another factor in my weight gain.  i have to remember that it’s the porn modeling that brings in the under-the-table cash and that i feel healthier when i’m skinnier (unless i get too skinny, in which case i start fainting).  i figure a goal of ten pounds loss is a good one, but done the less daunting: i haven’t given up pot but i have quit caffeine, tobacco, and amphetamine-containing products.  i also gave up alcohol.  what dreadful crutches, all of them.  i consider pot to be the most acceptable of them all: i have a debilitating chronic disease.  i deserve my pot.

i’m nervous about back to work.  it’s weird to go away from a job for a month and then return.  it’s one of the many quirks of my job that make me love it, even though pain in the ass shit comes up, like how much money i will owe the government after my employment for the year gets documented.  the joys of taxes.

i dont believe in faery and tarot the way i used to, but i’m going to start reading one card per day, just to get a little insight.  today i drew o! that gnome.  he says it’s time for me to take risks, and to look for the unexpected opportunities that surround me.

i’m not sure what this is referring to, but i’m certainly not one to turn down an opportunity to risk something.  i have a long, colorful history to prove it.

insomnia tonight also has me looking to SARK.  she is too wordy for me.  i need my self-help to be outlined more obviously.  but she suggests making a list of things i’m glad about, so i’ve decided to do the same:

i’m glad that…

…i have an amazing boyfriend

…i have an amazing cat

…i have a home with plumbing, electricity, heat, and air conditioning

…i have a job that i enjoy and have managed to keep for over a year (::knocking on wood::)

…i weigh less than 2#/”.  (two pounds per inch)

…i have so many beautiful body mods and don’t want any more

…i almost always have plenty of weed to smoke

…i always have plenty of food

…i have no debt

…i have an IUD

…i have tons of makeup, a stellar wardrobe, sweet accessories, and a lot of it is designer

…i’m going on a vacation this year

…i’m out of college

…obama is the president

…i’ve never been arrested

…i only take 4 medications per day, and have eliminated tobacco, alcohol, caffeine and nicotine

…i have my favorite female friend e. c. to cut up t-shirts with, so that i can show off my back tat this summer

i highly recommend giving this a try.  seriously, i feel a little happier just having done it.  now, i’m going to strut on over to facebook and then probably return to write more blog.

who knew searing agony could make someone so productive?

Air kiss,

~cbs~

One comment on “Hello world!”

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