By: onyourkneesandplay

Jan 21 2010

Category: Uncategorized

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OH MY GOD it took the professor of the class i started working for today an entire hour to chose a pose, even though the kids kept liking what i did, and then he ended up going with the FIRST ONE I DID.

but in the process of having me model different poses, he at times brought his hands over his face, making exasperated comments like, “ABsolutely HORrible” and “theese ees TERrible, TERrible.” he acted like i had no idea what i was doing, even asking me f i could really do this. he was legit like “you are VUNderful girl, NICE person…you zurrr you’ll be alright to {gesture at stage}.”

I’ve received great feedback from students and other profs, and one prof last semester requested me back the same semester and again this one. i said i had done this before, and suggested we try a couple of poses I had used in my last sculpture class, yet when he signed off on my hours he said “oh, another sculpture class you’re modeling for!”

i felt so small, i was almost embarrassed on the stand and i never have been before – i felt like i was getting roasted.  it’s so different than doing porn.  it’s so weird to be looked at in disgust for an hour by a reputable artist, it’s like he’s trying to figure out how to mend a ripped canvas or something shaking his head and frowning.  i’m the material that the artist can’t figure out how to work with.

i almost quit.  i am a diva after all.  but i don’t get to play the dramatic version of myself at university.  i have to save that for the cameras.  although days like today make me wonder why i even bother doing mainstream work when i know that i enjoy sex work.

for one, i’m doing it for the resume.  to be able to apply myself to a proper job if i ever need to.  i also need a career i can tell social security about, and random adult gigs aren’t gonna cut it.  but also, i’ve gained weight, and i don’t think a lot of guys would necessarily want to bend me over at the size i am.  i don’t even feel sexy enough for my boyfriend.

A new magazine came today.  Harper’s Bazaar.  I can’t wait to start reading!  i’ve been looking forward to falling asleep with a magazine for a long time, because my favorite publication, $pread, is running behind in terms of printing issues.  They need money.  Help them if you can.  Then the issue that I wrote in can finally be out on news stands!
It will not only remind me of how fat I am, but also remind me what I do and am capable of doing with my beauty.  The diet is going well so far, I’m eating even less than suggested simply because I can’t fit it all in my belly.  The roughage is doing a number on me though.  Gross.  I guess it’s healthy though.  Weird.